The lasting impact of family violence: understanding what happened to you
When people hear the term ‘family violence’ or ‘domestic violence’, they often think of physical abuse. While physical violence can be part of an abusive relationship, many women experience forms of abuse that leave no visible bruises but can profoundly impact their mental health, confidence, identity, and nervous system. In fact, many survivors tell me that the emotional and psychological wounds have lasted far longer than any physical injuries.
If you have left an abusive relationship and are struggling to understand what happened to you, know that your experiences are valid. Abuse is not always obvious, especially when it develops gradually over time.
Let's explore some of the most common forms of family violence and what they may have looked like in your relationship.
Coercive control
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours designed to dominate, control, and strip away a person's independence, freedom, and sense of self. Rather than being a single incident, coercive control is often a slow and ongoing process that can leave women feeling trapped and powerless.
It may have looked like:
Being told what you could wear
Being criticised for spending time with friends or family
Having to ‘check in’ constantly throughout the day
Being made to feel guilty for doing things independently
Having your movements monitored
Being pressured into making decisions that benefited your partner
Feeling as though you were always walking on eggshells
Many women describe feeling as though their world became smaller and smaller over time. Decisions that once felt simple suddenly required permission, explanation, or justification.
Emotional abuse
Emotional abuse involves behaviours that damage a person's self-esteem, confidence, and emotional wellbeing. Unlike healthy conflict, emotional abuse is persistent and often designed to undermine your sense of worth.
It may have looked like:
Constant criticism
Being called names
Being mocked or humiliated
Having your feelings dismissed
Being told you were "too sensitive"
Being blamed for everything that went wrong
Having your achievements minimised
Experiencing affection only when you behaved in ways your partner approved of
Over time, emotional abuse can lead women to question their own value and begin believing the negative messages they have repeatedly heard.
Psychological manipulation
Psychological manipulation occurs when someone intentionally influences your thoughts, feelings, or behaviours for their own benefit. This form of abuse often creates confusion and self-doubt.
It may have looked like:
Being made to feel responsible for your partner's behaviour
Having guilt used against you
Being punished with silence or withdrawal
Having your vulnerabilities used against you
Being pressured to ignore your own needs
Feeling responsible for keeping the peace at all costs
Many survivors describe feeling confused about what was real, what was their fault, and whether they were somehow responsible for the abuse.
Financial abuse
Financial abuse involves controlling a person's access to money, resources, or financial independence. This type of abuse can make it incredibly difficult to leave a relationship and often continues after separation.
It may have looked like:
Being denied access to bank accounts
Having to ask permission to spend money
Being monitored for every purchase
Being prevented from working or studying
Having debts taken out in your name
Having your income controlled by your partner
Being left financially dependent
Many women leave abusive relationships carrying significant financial stress and uncertainty, which can impact their confidence and sense of security long after the relationship ends.
Isolation from family or friends
One of the most powerful tools an abusive person can use is isolation. When support networks are weakened, it becomes easier to maintain control.
It may have looked like:
Criticising your friends or family
Creating conflict whenever you spent time with others
Making you feel guilty for socialising
Encouraging you to cancel plans
Convincing you that others did not care about you
Monitoring your communication with loved ones
Many women find themselves looking back and realising how disconnected they became from people who once brought them comfort, perspective, and support.
Intimidation and threats
Not all threats are explicit. Sometimes intimidation occurs through behaviour, body language, or implied consequences that create fear.
It may have looked like:
Punching walls or breaking objects
Standing over you during arguments
Aggressive driving
Threatening self-harm if you left
Threatening to take the children
Threatening to harm pets
Threatening to ruin your reputation
Making you fear what might happen if you disagreed
Even when physical violence never occurred, living in an environment where fear is present can have a significant impact on the nervous system.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that causes someone to question their own reality, memory, perceptions, and judgment. Over time, gaslighting can be incredibly damaging because it undermines trust in yourself.
It may have sounded like:
"That never happened."
"You're imagining things."
"You're too sensitive."
"You're overreacting."
"You're crazy."
"I never said that."
Many women tell me that after years of gaslighting, they stopped trusting their own instincts and began relying on their partner's version of events instead. One of the most common things survivors say in therapy is, "I don't trust my own judgement anymore." This is often not because there is something wrong with them. It is because they spent years being taught not to trust themselves.
Ongoing impact after the relationship ends
Many women expect that once they leave, they should immediately feel relieved and happy. While there can certainly be relief, many survivors continue to experience anxiety, hypervigilance, self-doubt, guilt, fear, shame, sleep difficulties, and challenges trusting others.
These responses are not signs of weakness. They are understandable adaptations to living in an environment where safety, predictability, and emotional security were repeatedly compromised.
Healing involves more than leaving the relationship. It involves rebuilding trust in yourself, reconnecting with your identity, understanding your trauma responses, and creating a renewed sense of safety within your mind, body, and relationships.
If you recognise yourself in these experiences, please know that you are not alone. What happened to you matters, your reactions make sense, and healing is possible.
